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Talk:Colorful Story/@comment-31053222-20180512061609
Hello, I'm the... I'm not using Doug Walker's rip-off name, that channel's gone to shit after what happened. * coughs * Nevertheless, I'll review this amazing looking AU. "Emma was distraught..."How could this happen?? ....What did I do to deserve this??" she thought...one day she heard two children having a discussion about a far-away mountain, and that anyone who went into it, would never come back. The thought appealed to her. She wanted to disappear. To hide away from the outside world that had forsaken her." This passage immediately hooked me in. Starting it off with "Emma was distraught.. "How could this happen??....What did I do to deserve this??" she thought..." immediately makes the reader wonder what's going on. It's hard make something like this, because if done wrong, it won't be cast as a question, It'll be cast as a plothole. You managed to avoid this and avoided this well. Also, the last three sentences show what her morals and what Emma desires. You've shown us what she wants in an oh-so subtle manner, and it's amazing. ''"She went from place to place...until she found it. Without a second thought she jumped into the hole on the mountains peak. She sustained minor injuries, but she realized she left her bag at the top. She tried to fly up to get it...but soon noticed that she couldn't fly...something was cutting off her abilities. "Welp...no where else to go but forward..." Beautiful description and wonderful use of vocabulary. One problem though. Some of these things weren't explained before-hand. I know that you shouldn't tell the reader everything, because that makes for a boring story, but key things, like the fact that she has abilities and the fact her bag is extremely important to her. Key things like this might need to be explained before-hand. However, the story is not ruined if you don't. In fact, the story's still amazing! To add on, the cliffhanger at the end is executed amazingly. Really makes us want to know about what's gonna happen next. Then we got the others perspective. I like the twist on how the monsters won and I like how some monsters had to stay with the humans underground to almost 'guard' them. It's a great way to kick off the story. "Colors are an important factor. It effects everyone. It's a way of showing how numb or empty someone is. Throughout Emma's journey, depending on what she says will effect the colors of everyone else. If she can bring back their colors...she might have a chance at escaping." I'd praise this for being original, but many people have used "colors" as an idea before. But what they haven't done is used them as a key part. They've just gave a character a color and made them dress in that color. This uses colors as the main chance of escape, which is something that many authors have never done before. Then there's the characters. I'm honestly kind of dissapointed with the character section. It seems to be that the Undertale characters were just tweaked a tad. Like, for example, the entertainer in the Underground, Monica. She seems to be exactly like her Undertale counter-part, Mettaton. In that description, there doesn't seem to be a lot about her that makes her different. Other characters, like Maeve, are perfectly done, because they have some aspects of their counter-part, but they have some original aspects that makes them unique. I won't go through the locations, I don't really feel like I need to. ---- I'm a massive fan of Colorful Story, and I'd love to see this AU take flight and get popular someday! Only a suggestion, but tweak up your characters a bit, and yer good to go! You don't really need to though, they're great the way they are. Of course, this is only my opinion, and if you don't agree with me, that's perfectly fine! I don't want you to get the idea that I'm a douche who thinks his opinion is fact, because I don't! I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism. Nonetheless, take care and good luck.